Something to keep in mind if you have students coming back home for the holidays is the awkwardness they may be feeling with their relationships.  Some kept their dating relationship going even though they were long distance because they attended school in different cities, or one stayed behind.  They may be excited to see each other, but it doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t a bit awkward.  There is a lot that happened in their lives apart from each other that, well, is simply impossible to share.

This awkwardness doesn’t stop with dating relationships either.  It’s often there with best friends, their parents, and maybe even you.  The fact is the last few months were packed with a whole new life’s pains, joys, confusion, and clarity.  To try to articulate everything they went through is daunting, to say the least.  I would recommend seeking out some time with those coming home for coffee or lunch, but I would also recommend some boundaries to keep up in your time with them.

Here are 5 thoughts as you reconnect with your students while they’re home:

1. Ask direct/specific questions.  Asking an open ended question like, “So, how was your semester?” is overwhelming and can lead to them feeling like they can’t connect with you.  To think through and articulate everything in that short of time is too much, and your students can leave feeling like their life is too separated from you.  I’ve found it’s much better to ask specifically about their roommate, favorite class, closest friend at school, involvement on campus ministry (or lack of), favorite or most frustrating class…things like that.
2. Share about your personal life.  You pursuing your students for a time of coffee or lunch is good, but it can come across as formal – or maybe even an “accountability time” from their perspective.  This can be healthy, but I’ve found it’s MUCH better if you take the “pastor” hat off and share about you.  Now is the time to intentionally begin to treat them like a friend, especially if they were in your high school ministry.  This can really bridge any separation and kill any awkwardness they may be feeling about their “home church.”  Sharing about your own struggles, doubts, family life, etcetera the better – as long as you don’t dominate the conversation!
3. Ask for prayer request.  At the end of your conversation specifically ask them for ONE thing you can pray for them about.  This let’s them know they don’t leave your mind as soon as they leave, and let’s them know your relationship means more to you than just being a part of your job!
4. Ask them if they’re encouraged.  You could get a whole spectrum of answers on this one, but it’s a great question to ask.  Some might break into tears, while others will simply be encouraged you asked.  Either way, I’ve found it to be a great question to ask.  It can also give you insight into areas where you can personally encourage them.
5. Ask if any relationships are awkward for them coming back.  Some will be more open about this than others, but you may want to ask them specifically how their relationship is with their parents, an ex, their best friend they had in high school, etc.

I met with a guy today for a few hours who is a college grad and still waiting tables at a restaurant.  He has a degree in a very respected area, but still hasn’t found a career oriented job in that field.  The struggle is deep, and people in his position often deal with feelings of depression, insignificance, and humiliation.

Nobody goes to college with the dream of NOT finding a job.  The hopes of a financially successful future is at the core of EVERY college student.  But after graduating many find their hopes turning into feelings of hopelessness.  Pride is shattered.  Dreams crushed.  Hopes squelched.

If you’re dealing with people in this position, here are 4 things we ought to remind them of:

1. God is at work.  Although the sociological progression they were hoping for isn’t panning out, they have to keep in mind that God is interested in them progressing in much more significant ways.  We have to remind people that God is interested in their spiritual growth and maturity and He can – and will – do anything to keep us focused on that.
2. Make sure to listen.  We can continue to push forward for success in society, or listen to what God is teaching us about Him and ourselves.  We have to remind them that God may be hindering circumstances in the career field for a much greater purpose!
3. Check your heart.  Many times feelings of hopelessness come in because of the sin of pride and envy. There’s nothing to be proud of when you graduate from college and can’t find a job.  But, maybe this is what God is doing!  Maybe, if we look at this with spiritual wisdom and insight (Colossians 1:9-10), God is protecting your heart from being arrogant and is forcing humility in your life.  This, from a spiritual perspective, is way more worthwhile.  But, the sin of envy creeps in and we look and see where others we graduated with are – who maybe end up coming into the restaurant we’re serving in and we serve them while they’re on their business trip.  We have to remind people about the sin issue driving their feelings and ask them to listen to what God is saying to them about that.
4. Don’t rob the process.  It’s so easy for us to concentrate on what we don’t have and what we wish we did.  When we do, we end up pushing for what we want, often robbing what God is doing in our life.  If God hasn’t shown us a career direction yet, what might He be wanting to teach you?  That’s where we ought to be focusing.  We have to remind people that THIS is THE time to learn the lessons God is teaching.

I taught on pride yesterday.  This last week was extremely humbling as I thought and processed through the pride in my own life.  Although, I’ve changed my mind about the word “pride” – I no longer want to use it.  

In our culture there are certain things that are acceptable to be “proud” of: paying your own way through school, working hard and obtaining a degree, being disciplined with finances to afford what you want to buy, even having a successful ministry…we could go on and on.

In the Christian world pride is not looked at as a good thing, but it’s definitely lost it’s punch.  We can say to another person, “I struggle with pride” and not even be embarrassed by it.  It’s a sin that we have no problem admitting to because the typical response we’d get is, “Well, who doesn’t!?”

In other words, “everyone does so don’t sweat it.”

In Scripture God is very clear about how He feels about pride.  He opposes them.  Yep, I said “them,” as in the people.  James 4:6 says, “…God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”  Interesting, is it not…?

In our culture, and especially Christian culture “pride” is thrown around like it’s no big deal.  Everyone struggles with pride – it comes with the territory of being human.

Yes, but just because it’s normal doesn’t mean I can cast it off as no big deal.  Actually, I think it’s a much bigger deal than we’d like to admit.  And, I think, we’ve lost the severity of the sin of pride and how much i it opposes God.

I’m now choosing to use the word “arrogant” instead of pride.  I think this word, at least in our culture at this given time, hits the biblical theme much more pointedly.  You don’t hear people ever say, “You should be arrogant about paying your own way through school!”

Maybe a small little shift in our thinking would force us to be intentional about confessing the arrogance in our hearts.  I know this last week this small shift in wording as drastically affected the way I look at the sin of arrogance in my own life.

I worked with Francis Chan for almost nine years at Cornerstone.  He was my pastor, and is one of my closest friends.  I have a tremendous amount of respect for him – in every way.  He really is the “real deal.”

He wrote a book called, Crazy Love, and I read it while it was in the editing stages – for feedback to the publisher.  I would highly recommend it. I haven’t looked at it sense reading the pre-released version, but I just saw a quote from it that REALLY stood out to me (that frankly I can’t remember reading!).  But I think the quote should ring in all our ears, and for a long time.  Chew on this for a minute…

“Our biggest fear in life should not be of failure but of succeeding in things that don’t really matter.”

I’m about to go into a meeting about our 2009 budget.  Budgets, to me, are a HUGE headache.  I understand their role in ministry – and importance from a stewardship perspective – but I’m not a numbers person.  I’m in ministry for people.  

So, here are 4 questions I want to make sure we answer for our budget:

1.  Does this line item help us accomplish what we want, and if so, how?
2. Is this the BEST use of this money?
3. Can I stand in front of the church and, with a clear conscience, look people in the face with how we’re spending their tithes?
4. Is there another way to accomplish what we want for less money?
5. If someone looked at our budget would they automatically see what we say we value?

Every college-age person goes through a certain amount of exploration and searching for an individual identity, unique for them.  Some have longer periods of this “moratorium” state of life, while others sift through it more quickly – easily finding life direction that “fits them.”

I recently did a radio/podcast interview for the Fuller Seminary Youth Institute, with Kara Powell on this stage of life.  There is much to this moratorium/exploration state of life for college-age people, but I wanted to say a few things about this here – that will hopefully help you as you walk alongside people in midst of this time of life.

1. This is crucial for identity development.  Watching someone go from job to job, major to major and never seeming to land can be disheartening and worrisome at times.  We can even categorize these people as flaky – and sometimes they are.  But, exploring different options is a vital part of finding out about ourselves.  College-age people will sort through different options of career and relationships, and as they do they will find out much more about what they want and who they are.  In other words, exploring different options really helps self awareness and gaining a healthy sense of self.
2. Walk patiently with those in moratorium stages of life.  The worst thing we can do is try to force people out of this stage.  It’s much easier for people to just go where they’re comfortable and where life just seems to fall into place.  But this could be robbing a huge faith/identity developmental stage of life!  Walk alongside them, guiding thought, but don’t push too hard for them to land.
3. This process can last years!  We want to guide people toward maturity, but understand that some type of moratorium, even years of it, is necessary for maturity to come.  Maturity cannot happen without self-awareness and even though it takes a while we have to be patient.  It’s not uncommon for moratorium-like stages of life to last well into the twenties.  Much of this is due to college students graduating and THEN trying to figure out what they want to do.  Other factors play in as well, like unique demands in the job market, family background, etc.
4. Robbing college-age people of this now leads to mid-life crisis later.  If we’re not patient with people in this time of exploration, forcing them to stop self-evaluation and thus robbing identity development they are likely to find a substituted identity in something else (work, relationship, etc).  When people don’t go through a healthy state of moratorium they will inevitably do it later in life.  This is potentially dangerous, often damaging marriages and relationships with children.  Forcing college-age people into a certain amount of moratorium is a big part of college-age ministry.  Spending time trying to get them to rush through it is NOT our role.  If anything, I think, we need to make sure they take their time in it – even though everything else, including parents and people in the church are pushing them to go “in a direction.”
5. There is a time to ask people to grow up.  There, of course, are always times when we have to push people to make more adult-like decisions.  But this is purely circumstantial and situational, depending on the individual we’re working with.  If a person has been in a moratorium lazy state – more of floating through life rather than intentionally exploring life – we ought to push them toward the explorer idea.  However, again, we ought not rush it.
6. It’s not you!  I’ve seen so many people in ministry think they’ve done something wrong that has kept their students in this phase of life.  It’s not you…it’s them, and it’s not even a bad thing.  There are all kinds of pressures in our culture that keep some here longer than others, but just know that you being there as they search and explore themselves is your role.  

Just a few thoughts for you as I’m sure you’re walking with these people in your ministry.

A new article in the NY Times, apparently from the “Journal of the Obvious,” is talking about how college education is becoming unaffordable for middle class families.  But, because college is now a necessity, people are paying for the education through taking on debt.  

On one hand we could say the debt is worth it since college grads make an average of $26k more a year than someone without a college degree.

On the other hand we might say that accruing more debt, one that can easily cripple the graduate for years to come from doing missional things, isn’t worth it – and especially since more and more are going back to waiting tables even after graduating.

A few maybe not so politically correct thoughts that may make me seem a bit sinnacle:

1. Since college education is now necessary in our culture, what would happen if it was part of the public school system – like elementary, jr. high, and high schools?  Historically it has been largely a private venture here in the States because it wasn’t a “required” stage of education – but that has changed.  I wonder what the next 200 years of our country will look like when it comes to college education – will it be paid for by taxpayers, like the the other stages of school?
2. If billions of dollars have gone out to corporations that are still having $200,000 corporate retreats and buying ballparks in New York for marketing purposes, maybe the government would eventually “bail out” the Jamison’s from their $25,000 debt that will enslave them for the next 15 years for a college education.

I’ve been teaching a new series called, “Tuning in to God’s Voice.”  It’s based out of the book of Jeremiah.  The series is seeking to answer some basic questions that, I think, we all have:

1.  How can we know it’s God speaking and not someone else?
2. What sort of things affect our decision making, other than God, but we think it’s actually Him?

On a more serious note…

Apparently there are new denominations being formed and more controversy over the new formations…causing even more new denominations…?

Everyone knows the Episcopal church has been in turmoil over their 2003 appointment of an openly gay bishop.  Some say this is acceptable, others say it is not.  So, there is a formal divide in the Episcopal church – says an AP article.  But, in response to this there is apparently yet another denomination being formed by conservatives.  This denomination has apparently been formed for the sole purpose combating the more liberal wing in the Episcopal church.

So, let’s just get this straight and look at this from an outsider perspective: there is yet more division over beliefs and then there’s an uprising by a third part that is standing against one of the sides of the division…?

I’m all for standing for truth.  But, no wonder why so many college-age people don’t want to be a part of the church…who would want to be a part of that!?  Let’s think about this on a more personal level…

In our churches we have all kinds of divisions and disunity.  Sure, there’s some over music and things like that.  But it’s way deeper and I think hits home much more for us in student ministry.  For instance, many age-stage ministry leaders are not unified in things like philosophy of ministry.  And even more noticeable by those in our ministries, many Jr. High and High school ministries have different mission statements.  Think about what this says to our kids.  Two ministries, in the same church and supposedly on the same team, can’t agree on approach to ministry and are heading in two different directions – seeking to accomplish two different missions?  Each ministry will approach things differently, but a different mission?

This tells me nothing more than you have two ministries that aren’t a part of a team.  No unity.

We can look at the divisions in the church at large and think what we want, but who says these seemingly smaller differences in our student ministries do any less damage?  We can look at other divisions and fighting over issues, but if we’re not unified in our home church (or with the person in the office across the hall), seeking to show our unity with others to college-age people there will always be detachment issues.  If we can’t look within, deeply within our own hearts and seek to bring unity with those working around us we’re causing just as much – and possibly even more – damage to the Kingdom at large as these divisions hitting the Associated Press headlines.

I have a lot more to say on this to bring more clarity to my thoughts, but for now maybe we can simply be “diligent to preserve the unity of the body” (Ephesians 4:3) in our own contexts.  This means to work through differences for the purpose of keeping unity.  It means NEVER talking negatively about ANYONE in the church with someone else.  It means showing our kids how we’re similar, heading in the same direction, and working together with everyone else in the church to accomplish one mission.  It’s about showing them the beauty of the body of Christ, not the ugliness of people’s sin.

I was thinking the other day about how many students “come home” for the holidays.  I was thinking about how weird it is for many of them.  When they left for school, they were leaving home.  Now, when they come home they are leaving their new life.  This can leave people feeling a bit awkward, especially when/if they go to church.

Those that grew up in church come back to church that, well, seems like taking a step backward in life.  At school they’re moving forward in life – even if they don’t know what “they’re going to do.”  Regardless of that they have a new life, new friends, new identity.  They come to church, can enjoy seeing people they know, but ultimately they want to go back to their life (with exception of the freshman dealing with homesickness).  For most, if they were to stay at home it would simply mean taking a step backward in life. 

So, is this a bad thing?  Can, or should, we try to change that?

I would answer both questions negatively.  This, in many ways, is a crucial time in the identity formation of an individual.  This separation and distance they feel, although frustrating and painful in ways (for both parents and kids), can really help catapult students into continuing to pursue their personal identity.

But, it doesn’t mean we can’t try to make their trip home meaningful.  And it certainly doesn’t mean we can’t seek to have it be more enjoyable for them by being served in some way and connected in some fashion.  We can always do an event or dinner for them, but they have things like this at school  So, there are a couple thoughts I’ll throw out that might be unique for them and leave a different taste in their mouth after coming home for the holidays…

Some college students are privileged to have their parents pay for upkeep on their car, but many are left without the finances to do little things like tune-ups and oil changes.  Maybe you’d be willing to invest $100 or so, buy oil, filters, and possibly some spark plugs and offer oil changes for students when they come home…?  Maybe even rotate their tires.  You can find a mechanic, or just a couple of older mature believers in your church that would be willing to serve the students!

Most students could use a few extra bucks when they go back to school.  Look for people in your church that could use some part-time employees.  Spend some time asking around, and then let your students know about the potential while they’re home.  Or, maybe your church could use some extra help in some way on a short-term basis?  Warning: if you have a cranky church secretary that they would be working with in some capacity, negate that last idea – I’m serious!  Personally I wouldn’t advertise these opportunities until you actually have some potential short-term jobs lined up, but it could be a great way to help your students.

Anyway, just a couple of ideas for you.  I think the oil change tune up idea could be huge!