Let’s put this in perspective – I’m sitting in a food court at a mall as I post this.

I got this picture from here

A little Calvinist humor here…a little awkward, but funny.

A couple months ago I was asked by Conversant Life to blog for them.  I agreed.  The reason I did was because they wanted blogs written directly to college-age people.  So, I decided I would do it.  We decided on having a micro-site called, “Thoughts from Portland Coffee Shops.”

I’ve tried – and will continue – to articulate and address some of the core feelings and emotions college-age people go through in this blog.  I post about once a week, but if you’d like to check it out – for possible insights into topics to discuss with your students – hopefully it can ignite your thinking a bit.  It’s certainly not perfect, but it could serve as another resource for you.

Some friends did this, pretty funny…

Something to keep in mind if you have students coming back home for the holidays is the awkwardness they may be feeling with their relationships.  Some kept their dating relationship going even though they were long distance because they attended school in different cities, or one stayed behind.  They may be excited to see each other, but it doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t a bit awkward.  There is a lot that happened in their lives apart from each other that, well, is simply impossible to share.

This awkwardness doesn’t stop with dating relationships either.  It’s often there with best friends, their parents, and maybe even you.  The fact is the last few months were packed with a whole new life’s pains, joys, confusion, and clarity.  To try to articulate everything they went through is daunting, to say the least.  I would recommend seeking out some time with those coming home for coffee or lunch, but I would also recommend some boundaries to keep up in your time with them.

Here are 5 thoughts as you reconnect with your students while they’re home:

1. Ask direct/specific questions.  Asking an open ended question like, “So, how was your semester?” is overwhelming and can lead to them feeling like they can’t connect with you.  To think through and articulate everything in that short of time is too much, and your students can leave feeling like their life is too separated from you.  I’ve found it’s much better to ask specifically about their roommate, favorite class, closest friend at school, involvement on campus ministry (or lack of), favorite or most frustrating class…things like that.
2. Share about your personal life.  You pursuing your students for a time of coffee or lunch is good, but it can come across as formal – or maybe even an “accountability time” from their perspective.  This can be healthy, but I’ve found it’s MUCH better if you take the “pastor” hat off and share about you.  Now is the time to intentionally begin to treat them like a friend, especially if they were in your high school ministry.  This can really bridge any separation and kill any awkwardness they may be feeling about their “home church.”  Sharing about your own struggles, doubts, family life, etcetera the better – as long as you don’t dominate the conversation!
3. Ask for prayer request.  At the end of your conversation specifically ask them for ONE thing you can pray for them about.  This let’s them know they don’t leave your mind as soon as they leave, and let’s them know your relationship means more to you than just being a part of your job!
4. Ask them if they’re encouraged.  You could get a whole spectrum of answers on this one, but it’s a great question to ask.  Some might break into tears, while others will simply be encouraged you asked.  Either way, I’ve found it to be a great question to ask.  It can also give you insight into areas where you can personally encourage them.
5. Ask if any relationships are awkward for them coming back.  Some will be more open about this than others, but you may want to ask them specifically how their relationship is with their parents, an ex, their best friend they had in high school, etc.

I met with a guy today for a few hours who is a college grad and still waiting tables at a restaurant.  He has a degree in a very respected area, but still hasn’t found a career oriented job in that field.  The struggle is deep, and people in his position often deal with feelings of depression, insignificance, and humiliation.

Nobody goes to college with the dream of NOT finding a job.  The hopes of a financially successful future is at the core of EVERY college student.  But after graduating many find their hopes turning into feelings of hopelessness.  Pride is shattered.  Dreams crushed.  Hopes squelched.

If you’re dealing with people in this position, here are 4 things we ought to remind them of:

1. God is at work.  Although the sociological progression they were hoping for isn’t panning out, they have to keep in mind that God is interested in them progressing in much more significant ways.  We have to remind people that God is interested in their spiritual growth and maturity and He can – and will – do anything to keep us focused on that.
2. Make sure to listen.  We can continue to push forward for success in society, or listen to what God is teaching us about Him and ourselves.  We have to remind them that God may be hindering circumstances in the career field for a much greater purpose!
3. Check your heart.  Many times feelings of hopelessness come in because of the sin of pride and envy. There’s nothing to be proud of when you graduate from college and can’t find a job.  But, maybe this is what God is doing!  Maybe, if we look at this with spiritual wisdom and insight (Colossians 1:9-10), God is protecting your heart from being arrogant and is forcing humility in your life.  This, from a spiritual perspective, is way more worthwhile.  But, the sin of envy creeps in and we look and see where others we graduated with are – who maybe end up coming into the restaurant we’re serving in and we serve them while they’re on their business trip.  We have to remind people about the sin issue driving their feelings and ask them to listen to what God is saying to them about that.
4. Don’t rob the process.  It’s so easy for us to concentrate on what we don’t have and what we wish we did.  When we do, we end up pushing for what we want, often robbing what God is doing in our life.  If God hasn’t shown us a career direction yet, what might He be wanting to teach you?  That’s where we ought to be focusing.  We have to remind people that THIS is THE time to learn the lessons God is teaching.

I taught on pride yesterday.  This last week was extremely humbling as I thought and processed through the pride in my own life.  Although, I’ve changed my mind about the word “pride” – I no longer want to use it.  

In our culture there are certain things that are acceptable to be “proud” of: paying your own way through school, working hard and obtaining a degree, being disciplined with finances to afford what you want to buy, even having a successful ministry…we could go on and on.

In the Christian world pride is not looked at as a good thing, but it’s definitely lost it’s punch.  We can say to another person, “I struggle with pride” and not even be embarrassed by it.  It’s a sin that we have no problem admitting to because the typical response we’d get is, “Well, who doesn’t!?”

In other words, “everyone does so don’t sweat it.”

In Scripture God is very clear about how He feels about pride.  He opposes them.  Yep, I said “them,” as in the people.  James 4:6 says, “…God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”  Interesting, is it not…?

In our culture, and especially Christian culture “pride” is thrown around like it’s no big deal.  Everyone struggles with pride – it comes with the territory of being human.

Yes, but just because it’s normal doesn’t mean I can cast it off as no big deal.  Actually, I think it’s a much bigger deal than we’d like to admit.  And, I think, we’ve lost the severity of the sin of pride and how much i it opposes God.

I’m now choosing to use the word “arrogant” instead of pride.  I think this word, at least in our culture at this given time, hits the biblical theme much more pointedly.  You don’t hear people ever say, “You should be arrogant about paying your own way through school!”

Maybe a small little shift in our thinking would force us to be intentional about confessing the arrogance in our hearts.  I know this last week this small shift in wording as drastically affected the way I look at the sin of arrogance in my own life.

I worked with Francis Chan for almost nine years at Cornerstone.  He was my pastor, and is one of my closest friends.  I have a tremendous amount of respect for him – in every way.  He really is the “real deal.”

He wrote a book called, Crazy Love, and I read it while it was in the editing stages – for feedback to the publisher.  I would highly recommend it. I haven’t looked at it sense reading the pre-released version, but I just saw a quote from it that REALLY stood out to me (that frankly I can’t remember reading!).  But I think the quote should ring in all our ears, and for a long time.  Chew on this for a minute…

“Our biggest fear in life should not be of failure but of succeeding in things that don’t really matter.”

I’m about to go into a meeting about our 2009 budget.  Budgets, to me, are a HUGE headache.  I understand their role in ministry – and importance from a stewardship perspective – but I’m not a numbers person.  I’m in ministry for people.  

So, here are 4 questions I want to make sure we answer for our budget:

1.  Does this line item help us accomplish what we want, and if so, how?
2. Is this the BEST use of this money?
3. Can I stand in front of the church and, with a clear conscience, look people in the face with how we’re spending their tithes?
4. Is there another way to accomplish what we want for less money?
5. If someone looked at our budget would they automatically see what we say we value?

Every college-age person goes through a certain amount of exploration and searching for an individual identity, unique for them.  Some have longer periods of this “moratorium” state of life, while others sift through it more quickly – easily finding life direction that “fits them.”

I recently did a radio/podcast interview for the Fuller Seminary Youth Institute, with Kara Powell on this stage of life.  There is much to this moratorium/exploration state of life for college-age people, but I wanted to say a few things about this here – that will hopefully help you as you walk alongside people in midst of this time of life.

1. This is crucial for identity development.  Watching someone go from job to job, major to major and never seeming to land can be disheartening and worrisome at times.  We can even categorize these people as flaky – and sometimes they are.  But, exploring different options is a vital part of finding out about ourselves.  College-age people will sort through different options of career and relationships, and as they do they will find out much more about what they want and who they are.  In other words, exploring different options really helps self awareness and gaining a healthy sense of self.
2. Walk patiently with those in moratorium stages of life.  The worst thing we can do is try to force people out of this stage.  It’s much easier for people to just go where they’re comfortable and where life just seems to fall into place.  But this could be robbing a huge faith/identity developmental stage of life!  Walk alongside them, guiding thought, but don’t push too hard for them to land.
3. This process can last years!  We want to guide people toward maturity, but understand that some type of moratorium, even years of it, is necessary for maturity to come.  Maturity cannot happen without self-awareness and even though it takes a while we have to be patient.  It’s not uncommon for moratorium-like stages of life to last well into the twenties.  Much of this is due to college students graduating and THEN trying to figure out what they want to do.  Other factors play in as well, like unique demands in the job market, family background, etc.
4. Robbing college-age people of this now leads to mid-life crisis later.  If we’re not patient with people in this time of exploration, forcing them to stop self-evaluation and thus robbing identity development they are likely to find a substituted identity in something else (work, relationship, etc).  When people don’t go through a healthy state of moratorium they will inevitably do it later in life.  This is potentially dangerous, often damaging marriages and relationships with children.  Forcing college-age people into a certain amount of moratorium is a big part of college-age ministry.  Spending time trying to get them to rush through it is NOT our role.  If anything, I think, we need to make sure they take their time in it – even though everything else, including parents and people in the church are pushing them to go “in a direction.”
5. There is a time to ask people to grow up.  There, of course, are always times when we have to push people to make more adult-like decisions.  But this is purely circumstantial and situational, depending on the individual we’re working with.  If a person has been in a moratorium lazy state – more of floating through life rather than intentionally exploring life – we ought to push them toward the explorer idea.  However, again, we ought not rush it.
6. It’s not you!  I’ve seen so many people in ministry think they’ve done something wrong that has kept their students in this phase of life.  It’s not you…it’s them, and it’s not even a bad thing.  There are all kinds of pressures in our culture that keep some here longer than others, but just know that you being there as they search and explore themselves is your role.  

Just a few thoughts for you as I’m sure you’re walking with these people in your ministry.